Maturity

Choosing to respond with grace instead of impulsive reaction is not as satisfying.

I think I had one of my first victories over this on Sunday when after dragging my kids on a 25 min. walk to encourage my 20K running husband and deliver his bag of "needs" I received these texts: 

"Best 10K ever."  "I think I am ahead of you."

He didn't stop.  He didn't stop.  He didn't stop.  The pressure was on.  My attitude on the walk was less than stellar.  My kids were tired, and hungry, and hurt.  They were looking at me.  And I was punching mean words towards him into my phone at a rapid speed.  And then the Holy Spirit stopped me.  And I breathed.  And I sat us all down to eat our Café de la Presse goodies.  And I stopped reacting externally although internally I was infuriated.  And as if someone took over my body I told my kids that this was dad's day and we were going to keep supporting him.  And I texted "Great job."

Great job.

Self-Compassion 4.03

"The waiting is the hardest part.  Every day see one more card.  You take it on faith.  You take it to the heart.  The waiting is the hardest part.  Don't let 'em kill you baby.  Don't let 'em get to you."

Preach it Tom Petty

I have had a "cease striving" morning.  I am trying to practice self-compassion per Brene Brown and allow myself to sit in the uncomfortableness of uncontrollable crying.  To lean into the fact that I am totally out of control.  To not get up and clean and busy myself because that makes me feel comfortable and this does not.  To allow the bags under my eyes to reveal that I do not have it all together.  To realize that I don't actually even feel better doing this.  Does this get easier?

I don't think I can really know that God is not me until I learn to do this.

The Best Friday

I went to mass on Good Friday with Nadia at the Abbaye.  How I love hearing the monks chant in French and the community there that has loved and embraced her.  As we were walking towards our favorite Bread and Tea café I finally got up the courage to ask here if she still considered herself a Muslim.

"I respect the prophet but I believe it is all to point us toward God.  Jesus is my way now.  I believe Jesus is the way toward God."

I think of David encouraging me that even if all this was for just one person it would be worth it.

The Best Friday.

20K

"For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you. Do not fear;
I will help you."

Isaiah 41:13
(13 for my daddy who held and still holds my hand)

I was reflecting on how much Jackson loves to hold my hand.  I think part of this is because I believe his love language is touch.  I think some of this was shaped by cobble stone city life and the number of times he's fallen.  He learned that by holding my hand I could prevent those slips from becoming a hard fall.  There are many mornings when my hands are full and yet Jackson always finds a way to hold my hand.  This is part of letting go of city life that I am grieving.

There are other times when I take hold of Jackson's hand.  Like Sunday when Jon ran his first 20K and I was leading Jackson through the crowds at Cinquantenaire.  "I've got you.  I know right where you are. You are not alone.  You don't need to know where we are going but you just need to hold my hand.  I have a good plan and I can see the end goal.  I will get you there.  I am not letting go."

Kristyn, i have been praying off and on for you on this. don't worry about making the wrong decision. you and Jon follow Him and your Heavenly Father is your Shepherd. it is His job to guide. whether its through signs, closed doors, counsel, personal prayer, His Word, peace. we are not responsible. we just need to respond in faith and make sure our hearts are surrendered to Him.

(my irreplaceable Amy Jensen's words)