Maturity

Choosing to respond with grace instead of impulsive reaction is not as satisfying.

I think I had one of my first victories over this on Sunday when after dragging my kids on a 25 min. walk to encourage my 20K running husband and deliver his bag of "needs" I received these texts: 

"Best 10K ever."  "I think I am ahead of you."

He didn't stop.  He didn't stop.  He didn't stop.  The pressure was on.  My attitude on the walk was less than stellar.  My kids were tired, and hungry, and hurt.  They were looking at me.  And I was punching mean words towards him into my phone at a rapid speed.  And then the Holy Spirit stopped me.  And I breathed.  And I sat us all down to eat our Café de la Presse goodies.  And I stopped reacting externally although internally I was infuriated.  And as if someone took over my body I told my kids that this was dad's day and we were going to keep supporting him.  And I texted "Great job."

Great job.

Self-Compassion 4.03

"The waiting is the hardest part.  Every day see one more card.  You take it on faith.  You take it to the heart.  The waiting is the hardest part.  Don't let 'em kill you baby.  Don't let 'em get to you."

Preach it Tom Petty

I have had a "cease striving" morning.  I am trying to practice self-compassion per Brene Brown and allow myself to sit in the uncomfortableness of uncontrollable crying.  To lean into the fact that I am totally out of control.  To not get up and clean and busy myself because that makes me feel comfortable and this does not.  To allow the bags under my eyes to reveal that I do not have it all together.  To realize that I don't actually even feel better doing this.  Does this get easier?

I don't think I can really know that God is not me until I learn to do this.

The Best Friday

I went to mass on Good Friday with Nadia at the Abbaye.  How I love hearing the monks chant in French and the community there that has loved and embraced her.  As we were walking towards our favorite Bread and Tea café I finally got up the courage to ask here if she still considered herself a Muslim.

"I respect the prophet but I believe it is all to point us toward God.  Jesus is my way now.  I believe Jesus is the way toward God."

I think of David encouraging me that even if all this was for just one person it would be worth it.

The Best Friday.

20K

"For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you. Do not fear;
I will help you."

Isaiah 41:13
(13 for my daddy who held and still holds my hand)

I was reflecting on how much Jackson loves to hold my hand.  I think part of this is because I believe his love language is touch.  I think some of this was shaped by cobble stone city life and the number of times he's fallen.  He learned that by holding my hand I could prevent those slips from becoming a hard fall.  There are many mornings when my hands are full and yet Jackson always finds a way to hold my hand.  This is part of letting go of city life that I am grieving.

There are other times when I take hold of Jackson's hand.  Like Sunday when Jon ran his first 20K and I was leading Jackson through the crowds at Cinquantenaire.  "I've got you.  I know right where you are. You are not alone.  You don't need to know where we are going but you just need to hold my hand.  I have a good plan and I can see the end goal.  I will get you there.  I am not letting go."

Kristyn, i have been praying off and on for you on this. don't worry about making the wrong decision. you and Jon follow Him and your Heavenly Father is your Shepherd. it is His job to guide. whether its through signs, closed doors, counsel, personal prayer, His Word, peace. we are not responsible. we just need to respond in faith and make sure our hearts are surrendered to Him.

(my irreplaceable Amy Jensen's words)

Finn

Psalm 84

1-2 What a beautiful home, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!

    I’ve always longed to live in a place like this,

Always dreamed of a room in your house,

    where I could sing for joy to God-alive!

Finn is in the presence of God-alive. 

We can’t even imagine how dreamy it is.

3-4 

Even the sparrow has found a home,

            and the swallow a nest for herself,

            where she may have her young-

a place near your altar,

            Lord Almighty, my King and my God

I am more precious than “worthless” sparrows.

God will provide a real home for me. 

My kids will be spiritually fed there.

In Hebrew swallow is known as “the bird of freedom,”

distinguished for its swiftness of flight, its love of freedom, and

the impossibility of retaining it in captivity.

My year of freedom.  This is who I am.

5-7 

And how blessed all those in whom you live,

    whose lives become roads you travel;

They wind through lonesome valleys, come upon brooks,

    discover cool springs and pools brimming with rain!

God-traveled, these roads curve up the mountain, and

    at the last turn—Zion! God in full view!

What roads we have travelled. 

And God has and will always provide. 

And we live in light of the hope of heaven.

8-9 

God-of-the-Angel-Armies, listen:

    O God of Jacob, open your ears—I’m praying!

Look at our shields, glistening in the sun,

    our faces, shining with your gracious anointing.

We are heard and we are chosen. 

10-12 

One day spent in your house, this beautiful place of worship,

    beats thousands spent 

on Greek island beaches.

I’d rather scrub floors in the house of my God

    than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin.

All sunshine and sovereign is God,

    generous in gifts and glory.

He doesn’t scrimp with his traveling companions.

    It’s smooth sailing all the way with God-of-the-Angel-Armies.

He really sees me. 

He really sees Katie.
Finn is seeing.

He is going to show us.

We are going to see.

Oneness Waiting

Jon and I are trying to seek God's will for what to do with the seemingly rest of our lives.  I'm convicted just using that phrase because honestly I would be currently be fine with just the next step, the next job, the next city, the next stage...but so far we are waiting.

I know that there is purpose in waiting and I know that we don't always get to know all of them.  But here is one:

It has been a thrill to watch how God is orchestrating our desires toward oneness.

Kristyn's half prayer
"Dear God, this is what I need:
A house with a yard because I am done with Addy doing gymnastics in our living room
A community of Christian kids and moms because I am done with doing this mom and wife thing alone.
A car because I am done with walking in the rain and freezing cold to get groceries and pick up my kids from school.
A place right outside of a city that is close to my mom and dad because I am done with Skyping and living far from them like I have done for going on 13 years."

God audibly said to me last week: "I know what you need."  God created me and knows where my life is heading.  God knows what I need more than I do.  God has always been faithful to provide what I need even when it doesn't feel like it is what I need because it is not what I want.  God will continue to provide exactly what I need when I need it.  I have been allowing God to pry my little hands off what I believe I need.

So if God says that I need to be in another city then His will be done.

Jon's half prayer
"Dear God, this is what I need:
A larger city church because I am done with small and they need to provide adequate health insurance because this is a growing concern.
A city church because I am done with working with an old and antiquated thinking staff
An American church because I am done with working with an incapable and under trained staff.
A city church because I am done with looking out at a white haired audience who doesn't embrace the new missional movement.
A city church because I am done with suburban living and that feels like a step backwards.

Laurie Lee prompted me to discuss further with Jon the reality that we live in a great city now but that does not carry him through the continual moments of hating his job.  Jon came to me last night and said that he has been thinking a lot about that.  He doesn't even always know what he wants.  He said that God has been prying his hands off this need to be in a city.

So if God says that I need to be in the suburbs then His will be done.

Voila! Oneness prayer

Let it Go

The title in light of the Disney Frozen wake...which the Ritner's took no part in because my peanut has outgrown this.  For us it was all about Tangled and fairies...I really hate letting go.  

I am a recovering control freak.

1.  Worrying is still a form of control because at least I can "do" that.

Laying in bed the other night listening to Jax cry because his ears hurt...

I put in the drops, I gave the Ibuprofen, I hugged and consoled him the best I could, I talked to my mom, I freaked out to Jon about taking another health hit from God,  I questioned why these things always happen on Thursday nights so I have one day to actually see a Dr...so now I worry.  But God reminded me of this truth and I fell asleep casting it all on Him.  I am learning the peace that comes from acknowledging I can do nothing more, not even worry.  I never had control of Jax health anyway.

2. Organization is an idol of mine.

My external surroundings do not control my internal peace.  This is like a mantra I must say over and over again because it is so hard for me to believe...But I desire to care more about the important moments with my husband and kids vs. the cleanliness of our surroundings.  I want to know true internal rest when everything else is spinning out of control.  I never had control of my stuff anyway.

3.  At the end of life I will lose control of everything.

I want to be a joy to take care of when I am 85+.  In reality I will probably lose control of my kids, my health, my appearance (shudder) my finances, my home, my ability to make decisions, my shopping (shudder), my food, my transportation, etc.  And I will probably have lost my big strong man.  I am learning that it is easier to acknowledge that I have never been in control of any of these anyway.

It is Well with my soul...

It is occurring to me that the journey of sanctification is not one that can always be explained tangibly.  As God so lovingly allows me glimpses of reasons "why" my soul just feels connected to something greater than myself.  And I really embody in these moments that little me is capable of anything because I am out of control.  As a doer I am doing nothing. It is His purposes being worked out through me.  I am fully known and loved. And I am fully willing to give my life to this high.

Mark 4:19

The worries of this life
The deceitfulness of wealth
The desires for other things
They came in and choked the word, making it unfruitful.

July 9th, 2012 written in my Bible: That's why I am headed to Bruxelles

It is Well with my soul

Philippians 3:7-14

I lost all things for His sake
I am gaining Christ
I am being found in Him
My righteousness is coming through faith and not what I do
I am participating in His sufferings
I am knowing the power of His resurrection

I keep praying that I can forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead

It is Well with my soul

Lice Lessons

So defeated...the onslaught is upon us
I hate who I have become in this battle

Thankful for...

1.  Friends who don't know Christ but who He uses to say "I see you."
Christoph rode over on his bike, out of nowhere, buzzes my flat at 9:00a with a "shampoo service." We literally told him we were not interested and then I realized who it was.  I cried.  He handed me pure gold in a tight, metal, comb that they had bought off the internet.

2.  My nemesis the steam blasting dryer.
Who could have ever known that now I would be singing it's praises as I now can throw all the sheets and pj's in for 30 min. and be confident that those lice are going down!

3.  No access to chemicals.
I would have taken that route because I want things fixed NOW.  But it could have caused seizures and brain damage long term.  But I know myself too well.  And then Wendy told me she tried Rid and it didn't even work.  Thank you strict regulations in EU.  You saved me from myself.

4.  Wise, empathetic friends.
I am not alone.  Lice happens.  I reconnected with Nina.  Gained wisdom from Heather.  Felt understood by Linda.  Empathized by Amy.  Normalized by Faith.  Perspective from Wendy.

5.  Kids who like to sit and watch TV.
They like to have their hair combed.  They don't whine or complain or fight it at all.  I could have a 2 yr. old and be going through this...

5.  My sweet peanut.
She lovingly told me that she feels bad that we are killing the lice because they are a family too. Precious.

Learning about...

1.  I don't do sllllllloooooowwwww processes.
I just want things fixed NOW.  The idea of 2+ weeks of the same daunting, steam blasting, washing, cold bag storing, combing process made me lay in my bed for 3 hours in despair yesterday.  But it helps to just name it.

2.  I don't think God cares about this stuff.
I think it is all up to me.  I think that if I don't stay on top of it the lice will never go away.  I don't believe that God would care enough to just take them away.  Trying to change this stinking thinking but it's hard and I'm not there yet.