The Battle for My Face Day 18

Ah Thursday meditation...

I fell asleep laying on my new yoga mat while the sun beat down on my face through the few remaining windows in the upstairs room at the Y.  It reminded me of how I would lay in Bruxelles at Basic Fit and look out the windows during yoga.

But as I opened my eyes and glanced at the clouds I was struck by how out of control I am of the world.  I do not control these clouds at all.  God is the only person who can control them and it's because He is ultimately responsible for them.  He created them. 

I have never connected control with responsibility.  No wonder I have anxiety.  In my need for control I am taking on myself so many responsibilities that are not mine.

It was the first time I did not want to be in control. 

The divine in me bowing down completely to the divine you.  Namaste.

The Battle for My Face Day 17-It's Not Supposed to be There

I took a nap and woke up on the verge of tears.  Heading to Taco Bell naturally and David called.  God you really do see me.  He asked me if I felt guilt over resting reminding me that if I slept then my body needed it.  Then he asked me if I felt alone in it reminding me that at this very minute more of the world is suffering than happy.  Then he asked me if I felt bad for feeling bad reminding me that it will pass...maybe not in an hour or a day but it will pass.  And he reminded me that it is ok to cry.

Addy said the most profound thing.  I asked her what was the fear...what was at the depths of her freaking out over a tiny zit on her face.  "It's not supposed to be there."

I really cried.  I sat meditating on my bed and felt broken.  Broken in my ability to be ok with the pain I feel that "is not supposed to be there" and my ultimate fear of not being loved in it.  And I felt convicted and asked for forgiveness for the ways I have added to others brokenness mainly Jon.

"It's not supposed to be there."  That is what I believe about suffering.  Started reading Tim Kellers "Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering."  Wow.  I am so secular.  Just give me the technique, make the suffering stop and the world is right again.  I need to become a Christian again.

So this brings me to my face.  It's the same thing.  I have standards.  I have high standards.  I have perfection standards.  There is a way that is appropriate to look and when something is "not supposed to be there" I cannot deal with it. 

And again I fear not being loved.  When I look like this and I feel like this the love "is not supposed to be there."

The Battle for My Face Day 15

Prom sans makeup

Tonight I went out for an Indian dinner and Jamie Drake concert with Sara St. Pierre.  My hair was not perfect but my outfit was and clearly I had no make up on but honestly I was ok.  It helped that the concert was completely dark! And it helped that Sara totally gets how hard it is to be aging.

I did allow myself to put a tad bit of make up covering over the cold sores under my lip because they just look like zits and I am not legalistic.

It felt really freeing to not have put tons of effort into make up only to not really like the way I looked by the end of the night.  And I love just knowing at the end of the night I don't have to use make up remover. 😉

I think to myself: I could go out with Jon like this...

The Battle for My Face Day 8

Anxiety.

Sitting at MomsNow and suddenly I feel another bump on my lip on the right side.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  I breathed, I spoke truth inwardly,  and I made an on-line appointment for urgent care immediately following.

So thankfully the new bump does not look like a cold sore to the Dr. and she gives me a TON of prescription meds for anytime I start to feel one come on.  I also go to Sprouts and get some L-Lysine per Holly Koob and Arlene's recommendation.

I live to battle another day.  Sigh.

The Battle for My Face Day 4

So defeated.

Bad hair day.

Why won't Scarlet let Rhett love her.

My mouth scabs are seriously d i s  g  u    s    t     i      n     g.

I won't go to the Jax team dinner.

I even tried to wear a band-aid out which I think is worse...see for yourself...

Sigh.

The Battle for My Face Day 3

Boring day.

Went to have tea at Panera with Dorothy and Houston.  Stefnie also showed up and I enjoyed sharing with her my month of no make up.  As a fellow woman she totally resonated with me and talked about how she had stopped dying her hair.  She expressed that at moments it is hard for her to realize that to other people she looks older as her gray hair keeps coming.  She of course feels the same.  I so get this.

The Battle for My Face Day 2

Ummm yea...so a gross, painful cold sore appeared on the left corner of my mouth today.
Seriously?  Of course!  I haven't had a cold sore in almost 2 decades.

So a quick jaunt to Walgreens for some Abreva this morning is how my battle is starting.

It felt like I was losing the battle on this front as well as with my initial convo with the kids:

Me:  I think I am going to give up make up for Lent
Jax:  That is a terrible idea mom.  You look terrible without make up...
Addy:  There may be things I want you to look nice for coming up...
Me:  Laughter (because by now I know them pretty well and could have told you this is how they would react).  But this is the point you guys!  Do you love me because of how I look?!

But God.

I texted my family to say I needed prayer this month and have honestly felt a crazy joy all day.  It could be that I rocked Pilates or for the first time pulled into Wal-mart and had my groceries loaded in my car along with 24 Eggos for the price of 10.  But I heard that still small voice when I walked into my apartment complete with a fresh appreciation for it: "You are being bolstered by prayer."

And by my brother Dan's perfect humor:  "For the record I have decided to go through this struggle with you and will also choose to be free of makeup.  We got this!"

The Battle for My Face Day 1

Woke up today with the long term goal of at least finding a BB cream to soften this no make up fast.

So I would like to thank Pinterest reviews, the not so engaging sales lady at Ulta, and Maybelline New York for creating a great product.

But what's that tingling on the corner of my mouth...

The Battle for My Face

It all started with Lent and Ash Wednesday Service at Hollywood Pres

Me:  I am going to give up bread for Lent (because it is all about "Keeping Up Appearances" and really I just want an excuse to get skinnier)
God:  I want you to give up make-up.
Me:   That is insane (cue the 10 second principal.  You know the one that had us abandon my "dream life" in Williamsburg and move my entire life to Bruxelles, Belgium).

But I am a settler.
I settled for SIU and God gave me TIU.
I settled for Dave and God gave me Jon.
I settled for America and God gave me Europe.
I settled for being defined by external beauty that our messed up society deems as everything and God gave me....