The Battle for My Face Day 17-It's Not Supposed to be There

I took a nap and woke up on the verge of tears.  Heading to Taco Bell naturally and David called.  God you really do see me.  He asked me if I felt guilt over resting reminding me that if I slept then my body needed it.  Then he asked me if I felt alone in it reminding me that at this very minute more of the world is suffering than happy.  Then he asked me if I felt bad for feeling bad reminding me that it will pass...maybe not in an hour or a day but it will pass.  And he reminded me that it is ok to cry.

Addy said the most profound thing.  I asked her what was the fear...what was at the depths of her freaking out over a tiny zit on her face.  "It's not supposed to be there."

I really cried.  I sat meditating on my bed and felt broken.  Broken in my ability to be ok with the pain I feel that "is not supposed to be there" and my ultimate fear of not being loved in it.  And I felt convicted and asked for forgiveness for the ways I have added to others brokenness mainly Jon.

"It's not supposed to be there."  That is what I believe about suffering.  Started reading Tim Kellers "Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering."  Wow.  I am so secular.  Just give me the technique, make the suffering stop and the world is right again.  I need to become a Christian again.

So this brings me to my face.  It's the same thing.  I have standards.  I have high standards.  I have perfection standards.  There is a way that is appropriate to look and when something is "not supposed to be there" I cannot deal with it. 

And again I fear not being loved.  When I look like this and I feel like this the love "is not supposed to be there."