School in Session

I am learning...
September is a blur
Kids grow up
I'm not that young
I married my best friend
Balance
Moment by moment
Strong convictions
Passion for the Word
Promises
Eternal hope
Spiritual gifts
Freedom
Gray
Blessing
Slow pace
To let go

I am seeing...
My kids
My husband
Muslims
Mormons
Blind spots
America
Culture
Roma
Homeless
France
Netherlands
Germany
Luxembourg
Austria
Hungary
Growth

Our President

"I raised my hand today to run for class representative.  I am just going to try and if I don't get it then that's okay."

No fear of failure

"I listened to that boys speech and he just said to vote for him because he would get rid of all fighting.  I thought 'you can't just say that.  You have to say you are going to work with the directrice to help end fighting.'

Analytical thinker

"I am going to write my speech for tomorrow.  It includes less fighting, more garbage cans, cleaner bathrooms, and toilet paper in the bathrooms."  

Maximizer

"Vote for me because I like people, I am kind, and I really want the job."

Activator and Relator

"Mom, I won!"

Leader

I have never seen my daughter show more emotion about anything.  She absolutely thinks she can make a difference.  She is driven and passionate.  She is nothing like me in this and I could not admire her more at the age of 7.  

Addy, the only American girl in her entire school, was elected her 2 premiere class representative with a landslide vote after giving a speech in French.

"I'm not surprised" says this prom queen...

Defining

i am a sent out one
i am
His, known, wanted, feminine, first, strong, generous, permed, different, prom queen, twos, free, chosen, shorty, first lady, mamma, woo, changing
sent out
from family, from that which shaped and adored me, from my dream of green lawns, school buses, sister friends, and celebrity
to obey
to work it out
to decrease
to hope
to trust
to wait

Wing Man

Marriage is fragile.

And it is crumbling all around me in our government decisions and in the lives of my friends.  

"Out in the open wisdom calls aloud, she raises her voice in the public square; on top of the wall she cries out, at the city gate she makes her speech..."
Prov 1:20-21

I am learning to navigate the gray.  I want to be the person that chooses wisdom even when morality is in check.  I am thanking God for this time of rest and unexpected growth in my marriage.  Wouldn't I do this all over again just for this one lesson?  As I weep with those who are learning this the hard way the answer is yes.

Fashioned

Had an amazing night with my little bundle of woo and positivity Margaret Anderson.  She sat on my bed for hours as my personal wardrobe consultant.  She helped me remove lack luster and non "Princess Boho" pieces.  She is keeping me young and fresh.  She is clothing me in style and joy.

Had an amazing morning with perfectly timed conviction from God.  He goes the distance with me when I have given up on myself.  He is removing from me jealousy and dissension.  He is keeping me desperate for Him.  He is clothing me in patience and humility.

Romans 13:11-14

Down to my Faith

"I am your peace."
No amount of information or understanding will ultimately stop these tears.  Peace is a person.  That's what he used to say.  I don't know if I want the reports anymore.

I want Him.

Life is fragile.  I feel fragile.
In a second it can all change.  His name and picture are gone.  I thought I knew how the entire story played out.  This isn't how I wanted it.  I don't know if I want that life anymore.

I want Him.

Conviction.
Coming face to face with the holiness of God, and falling to my knees.  Wrestling through mercy.  The culture.  It could be us.  Needing Jesus with skin on to speak forgiveness over me.  Consumed by the influence of leadership.  Humbled by the weight of ministry.  I don't know if I want that responsibility anymore.

I want Him.

The Better Life

I just finished writing my first entry for our monthly church devotionals.  Yea for stepping out of comfort zones!  We had to talk about how God delivered us from something and I had such an emotional and joyful time remembering God's faithfulness...

 I was waking up angry.

Anger had always been my default emotion and I justified it by labeling myself passionate and honest.  I grew up in a family with an angry dad and I learned to put up a strong front.  In my marriage I decided that my anger wasn't wrong but just merely a different way of handling conflict.  But when I became a parent and I couldn't get my kids or my life wrapped up in my perfect package anymore, my anger reached a whole new level.  My feelings of inadequacy and frustration were making it hard to even breathe at times.  I felt totally out of control.

 "You are angry.  It's not okay.  And there is a better way to live."  God's voice was audible as I sat and cried to Jon early one morning.  I was at the end of myself.  I had been angry for so long and I couldn't work my way out of it.  For the first time in my life I got on my knees and confessed that my anger was sin, and I begged for help.  That morning God initiated a journey in my life that resulted in freedom from the bondage of anger.

 Anger is a secondary emotion and part of that jouney was identifying that I had underlying control issues.  When life felt chaotic I would exhaust myself to get it back in order, but increasingly I couldn't and it infuriated me.  Anger enabled me to avoid feelings of vulnerability and fed the lie that I was in control.  I believed that if I put up a strong front, and portrayed that I had it all together then I could avoid pain.  But God taught me that leading with weakness is attractive.  And at a time when I felt most vulnerable He orchestrated some the most healing conversations with my family.

 Psalm 46:10 became my life verse:  "Cease striving, and know that I am God."  There is one God and He is totally in control.  He hasn't abandoned me to fight vigorously for perfection.  He is with me conforming me to the image of Christ.  When I am confused, I can rest in His faithfulness.  When life feels disorderly, He is able to work out everything for my good and for His glory.  This is the better way to live.

Dreams

Had one of those crazy, profound moments this morning.

We have this 5 year question and answer journal.  I really wish that I could be faithful to answer the one question a day but usually I am playing catch up from the last few days.  The question on February 25th was, "What is the last dream you remember?"  My response from last year gave me the chills.  "I was in a foreign country at a table catching up with Jeff, Jeff and Jordan."  When I pray for people these 3 guys from high school are frequently on my mind, because I love them and I long for them to know my Savior.

I am living this scenario.  Here I am sitting in a foreign country.  And my hearts desire is that those who don't know my Savior would.  And I am just praying that somehow God takes this broken me and uses it for His purpose.

Hopeful Expectancy

It's like I am looking for a husband all over again.

I reached a point of exhaustion during my dating years trying to make what I thought was great into my happily ever after story.  But I can remember the peace when I threw up my hands and released my "perfect" plan.  I started waiting in hopeful expectancy for the unfolding of God's plan.

Here I am again.  Thinking that I had the perfect plan all figured out.  But slowly feeling that hopeful expectancy coming back.

Last time God's plan for my life was the best gift because it was Jon.
I can't imagine what His next "Jon" is.

Becoming Less

"I feel like I am regressing in life."

Jon and I were waiting for the metro and out of nowhere it hit me.

"I used to feel like an adult with a car and a lot to manage, and feelings of accomplishment.  Now I am headed off to cram myself into whatever vehicle is available with a bunch of other people like I am back in high school youth group."

I didn't realize it then but lately I am treasuring that statement.  I am becoming less but He is becoming greater.  John 3:30

Also cramming into cars does make me feel young and fun...

New Beautiful Things

Happy New Year!

I love new things.  Jon and I have self diagnosed ourselves with "newness disease."

I love that God loves new things.  "He who is seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" Revelation 21:5

And I love this new song, Beautiful Things by the group Gungor.  It's new to me!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Sqy1a_Gz0zQ

...Out of chaos life is being found in you.

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make me new
You are making me new

So here's to..
new songs
new wine
new growth
new revelations
new mercies
new hearts
new attitudes
new lives
new me!
new you!