The Better Life

I just finished writing my first entry for our monthly church devotionals.  Yea for stepping out of comfort zones!  We had to talk about how God delivered us from something and I had such an emotional and joyful time remembering God's faithfulness...

 I was waking up angry.

Anger had always been my default emotion and I justified it by labeling myself passionate and honest.  I grew up in a family with an angry dad and I learned to put up a strong front.  In my marriage I decided that my anger wasn't wrong but just merely a different way of handling conflict.  But when I became a parent and I couldn't get my kids or my life wrapped up in my perfect package anymore, my anger reached a whole new level.  My feelings of inadequacy and frustration were making it hard to even breathe at times.  I felt totally out of control.

 "You are angry.  It's not okay.  And there is a better way to live."  God's voice was audible as I sat and cried to Jon early one morning.  I was at the end of myself.  I had been angry for so long and I couldn't work my way out of it.  For the first time in my life I got on my knees and confessed that my anger was sin, and I begged for help.  That morning God initiated a journey in my life that resulted in freedom from the bondage of anger.

 Anger is a secondary emotion and part of that jouney was identifying that I had underlying control issues.  When life felt chaotic I would exhaust myself to get it back in order, but increasingly I couldn't and it infuriated me.  Anger enabled me to avoid feelings of vulnerability and fed the lie that I was in control.  I believed that if I put up a strong front, and portrayed that I had it all together then I could avoid pain.  But God taught me that leading with weakness is attractive.  And at a time when I felt most vulnerable He orchestrated some the most healing conversations with my family.

 Psalm 46:10 became my life verse:  "Cease striving, and know that I am God."  There is one God and He is totally in control.  He hasn't abandoned me to fight vigorously for perfection.  He is with me conforming me to the image of Christ.  When I am confused, I can rest in His faithfulness.  When life feels disorderly, He is able to work out everything for my good and for His glory.  This is the better way to live.