Sacrifice of Thanks

Trying hard today to find some eloquent words to express the extreme sense of loss I feel, but I can't. I can only say that it consumes even my physical body and I feel sick and weak. I am thankful today that God is near and is working out His good and perfect will. I am learning that God's character needs to overwhelm my questions and that faith through many tears is an act of worship.
Oh Brussels you can thank me today for the sun because God sent it just for me.

Good Gifts

Reading this morning about how God loves to give us good gifts.

My times in Williamsburg were a good gift and God reminded me today that He loves to give me gifts like those.  How blessed I am to know He spared nothing for me and that He has done exceedingly above and beyond all I could ever ask or imagine already.  I am in a great place of hopeing for what I cannot see.  I don't know what gifts God could possibly have in store for me here but I know that He does and that they are good.  Of course, He doesn't always define good the way I would like Him to but today He did.

the gift of time
I try to embrace the mentality that I will only get one thing done a day.  This is usually the case BUT today I cleaned my whole house including floors, had time with Jon at my favorite cafe, took a tour of a health club, took the bus to the Colruyt and stocked up on supplies I needed, and now have time to eat lunch and relax before picking up the kids.  This time today was a good gift from God.

the gift of generosity
I toured an amazing women's only work out facility this morning.  It is more than my husband wants to spend.  It took everything in me to surrender it and send him the e-mail that says "I will respect your decision."  And today my frugal husband gave me the gift of "staying sexy and thin."  Thanks honey.  His generosity was a good gift from God.

Wrestling Match

I am struggling with God.

Our current church expression is struggling.  Basically everyone left when the going got tough and the "trio" of leadership is down to one couple.  Enter the Ritners?  Ugh.  I am not a problem solver.

Carlton invited us to struggle with each other last night and we did.  We need a common vision and we come from 5 different cultures.  And I have a sore throat.  And it is 10:30p and I have a 30 min. tram ride ahead of me.

I just want to run.

We talked about Jacob "struggling" with God.  What he wanted was blessing.  What do I want from God?  I want blessing.  I want to know why I was called out of my dream life and chosen to live in this dark place.  I want to know a greater blessing than what I knew.  I cannot imagine it.

What does God want from me?  In the past I would have said obedience or submission.  But now I think He wants me to struggle with Him.  To throw my best punches, to be mad and sad and have it all directed at Him.  To be honest.  To be so close and intertwined that I can't get away from His presence.

I just want to run.

Slowing Down

I decided the theme for my life thus far is slowing down.  I know this sounds crazy because nothing about my life and this transition has been slow but  i t   h  a   s    c  o   m  e.

The kids have had off this entire week and I have been waking up most days around 9 or 10.  This is standard on weekends.

My flat most often is pretty messy because there is little room for anything to go and I am ok.  It also only takes like 1 hour to clean the entire thing.

The almost daily rain at some point and cold make it more enjoyable to drink tea and spend the day inside.

It takes time to get anywhere so I really have to weigh whether or not what I want is worth the trip and then the hassle of carrying it home.  Also, I may be literally smashed between a crowd of people.  See also comments on weather above.

I could have my hair and makeup perfect and within minutes of leaving home they are trashed.  So most days I feel freedom for no makeup and my hair in a bun.  See also comments on weather and public transportation above.

Jon and my kids are truly my only daily companions which is sad but has also forced me to get to know them better.

I spend at least an hour on public transportation a day.  Always about 35 min. every day taking and picking the kids up from school.  I pray more.  I think more.  I give God a little more time to speak to me.

Of course this slowing down has also made me addicted to Pinterest.

Lists

I realized today that my personality is in conflict.  I have a ton of emotions daily, and those emotions are all over the place when I initially feel them and sadly for Jon or my kids when I initially express them.  BUT I am highly organized and love control.  Therefore, I love lists.  I even list my emotions to get them in order so they are in control.  Now I am not trying to make a statement about whether this is healthy or not.

I am just saying this so you know that almost every post will have a list.