Unpacking

"I have so much to unpack."

Wow.  7 months in and all the physical objects have been unpacked and now the emotional unpacking has begun.  This. is. so. painful.  And just like unpacking my bags

there is stuff   e v e r y w  h  e  r  e.  

And I don't have room for it all.  And it doesn't fit anymore.  It looks HUGE in this tiny, ugly carpeted, insignificant, unstable place.  And I have to decide what stays and what goes.  What was just for that time and what is for now.  I am a horrible decision maker.  It's exhausting.  I start to put away one item to one specific location and then I drop it only to be distracted by the next item that needs to be put away in a totally different place in my life.  And then along the way my kid interrupts me with some need so I just drop it there.  "Oh wait what was it that I was doing?"  And some of the things are broken or damaged and it makes me so angry.  I can't get that back.  And someone else's carelessness resulted in this.  And I am alone. The worst alone because I had a husband but he is off at work in a job he loves so now I am left to unpack it all in this job I hate.  And I better keep a good attitude while unpacking because my kids and others are watching me...they are always watching me.

Sometimes I just throw stuff out because I can't bear to have to make another decision about it.
Sometimes I just sit and cry for hours holding my stuff until life forces me to put it away.
Sometimes I just put it the washer trying to make it all clean because the smell of it is too painful.
Sometimes I just cram it into any place because I just can't have it in my face anymore.

And then there is always those hidden pockets or those areas in which Jon just shoved stuff. It takes me twice as long to put that stuff away because it came out of nowhere, and I am not sure why we still are holding on to it.  I have always been able to get rid of more things than him but I don't even know anymore.  And I have to make room for all that stuff in my life and he never appreciates it or asks where all that stuff went.

So I stand over the mess littered throughout my entire space.  I fear and doubt that it will ever all get unpacked or that I will make some horrible decision about it that I will regret for the rest of my life.

"Who will love me enough to just sit with me while I unpack it all?"